Lets see if this will still make folks laugh. I wrote this about 2 years ago for a publication called Pizzaz Magazine out of Nevada. Mag has gone under since but man it is really funny and all true, sadly enough.
Ouch.
Let’s talk about the mother of all bad ideas. Just think for a moment that when stupidity spasms strike all intelligence and common sense goes out the window and we are caught in a spiral of bad decisions followed up by bad decisions. I believe stupidity should hurt and in this case it did and does and itches too.
This is a comic tragedy involving a hairy guy, bottle of epil-stop, an understanding friend and a curious wife.
The stage is set. I am a fairly hairy guy, I have shaved my arms for a long time and had my daughter use epil stop on my back to prevent myself looking like a sasquatch with the mange. Well I should say bribed my daughter to do it. Last Saturday night, it was late; I come from the shower with the almost empty bottle of epil-stop, as it is the two-week ritual that she removes the hair from my back. Little did I know that there was a diabolical plan afoot. My wife had done a deal with my daughter, while I sat unknowing and defenseless in the shower, saying if she were to do her brothers’ chores she wouldn’t have to do my back. Unfair at best, but I was not even in on the negotiations. After several minutes of fruitless convincing, 13 yr old girls can be very stubborn, my lovely brides friend steps up to the plate offering to rescue me from the depths of “desp-hair”. After commenting that this was the grosses thing she had ever done the back was done without incident. Until the wife makes a suggestion, “Sweetie, I wonder what you would look like if you did your chest.” She stated innocently enough while looking up from her pogo game.
Enter the stupidity spasm and begin the tragedy.
All intelligence leaves my body and I become convinced that this is somehow a great idea, perhaps the greatest idea in the world. Now you have to understand my chest hair is thicker than most people’s head hair. I think wow I am almost out of epil-stop what should I do. Enter first really bad idea of two bad ideas! “I can use the bottle of generic stuff I bought on CLEARANCE at the grocery store out of the cart in the back that I found when I was going to the restroom.”
Lets see where is that stuff, oh yah I forgot about it and left it in my trunk for the last week. (We live in Florida folks and its still in the 80’s here all day).
Hey I can do the front myself. Let me go trim what I can with the beard clippers, return 20 min later, bathroom looks like we sacrificed a medium size animal and skinned it. Directions? Who needs flipping directions, I will just squirt the foam in my hands, rub it together and rub it in. (Note: directions state, apply foam to hair directly, do not rub in). Now I am rubbing it in and missing everything under my chin because I can’t see it so I try to look down further and put my chin right in the only part of the compound that is still foam on my body. Now look at my picture, I have a goatee, this is not a good thing. Wipe that off, wife is now giggling but continues to play pogo with comments from time to time. You know encouraging things like “Gawd yall are stupid.” Friend steps in to help and rubs in all foam where I can’t see; she starts wondering why her hands are burning. Compound has now been in place about 3 min when we decide to read how long you are supposed to use it. Box says leave on no more than 6 min and do not exceed 8 no matter what. So using the massive amount of brainpower that I have I set the timer for 11 min. That’s 3 plus 11 making 14 total, over twice the time allotted on the box as safe. Wife continues to play pogo without comment but is now grinning and giggling uncontrollably.
Funny, I didn’t follow the directions, left it on too long and when I went to wipe it off, it didn’t work, first thought “Those bastards lied on the infomercial on TV, it even says it on the box “As seen on TV.”“ Hair only came off in patches, at this time I also start to notice some long patches I missed with the clippers. Now frustration sets in. Not intelligence, but frustration, I want a beautiful smooth chest. What I got was a patchy, bald, stinky, very white mess. Now it’s starting to burn a little bit, so I go to rinse it off in the shower. Get in warm shower to rinse off. Now my chest and my back both start to burn, think I may have been doused with acid. Suddenly remember box said something about no soap or hot water. Quickly turn off the hot water but forget to turn off the shower and I leave cold on…screaming ensues as razorblades begin to emit from the showerhead, initial agony starts to subside now that the cold razorblades are no long being forced into my skin. Now goose bumps begin to come up from the temp. Change making the pain start all over again. Whatever you do don’t ever do the hot and cold-water thing, that’s the misery that keeps on giving. Finally work up the nerve to get rinsed off and pain eventually has subsided. Back is fine; chest is a bit red but not too bad and still looks like I have been on a low fat diet for far to long all patchy and different lengths. Go back in the kitchen, wife starts laughing, goes back to playing pogo. See above for muttered phrase. Friend giggles and says oh my god. Now I am doing this for love and making a noble sacrifice for the woman I love and I am being ridiculed. At this point I should have realized there was no way this could turn out with a good ending. But now, alas I have the strength to persevere. Read on brave soul.
I look down, not in too much pain, and think hmmmm what am I going to do? No folks I’m not stupid but this was an exceptional night for the retardation of my brain to come out. I think for a moment, shrug my shoulders and grab the bottle of stuff and start applying again!!!!! Good god it took exactly 10 seconds for it to start burning. I think hmm that hurts a little but it’ll be ok, I keep rubbing, and yes I’m still not following the directions. After I do my right side of the chest, I then realize that it hurts beyond what the hot water did and I run for the shower again. After standing in a cool shower this time for long enough to sooth my chest, I start wondering what I am going to do. Now at this point as I rub the water in trying to sooth the irritation my chest hair is falling out but still only in patches but now it’s all gooey too boot. What will I do, I don’t want to look like a dork, as if it was possible to look any less like a dork at this point. I grab the razor and soap. Read above where it says do not use soap or warm water. Well I don’t want to shave with cool water so I turn the water warm, put up with the discomfort and start shaving. Well I still have a lot of hair left and it is all gooey from the compound and soap on it, razor fills up fast. Hmm what will I do, I know ill grab my face razor it has 4 blades that will work great!!!! I commence to shaving, and shaving, and shaving wondering why it is still burning after the hair is gone, surely 30 min in the shower 2 times is enough to get rid of the entire compound. Never dawns on me that that stuff was absorbed. When I finally give up, most hair gone from neck to naval. I walk out of the shower in boxers to present my new beautiful self to the two people who helped me to become the person I now am. Both start laughing, my wife starts saying I am sorry, I am so sorry. Stops playing her game and states simply I don’t like it, you look better with hair. Now understand, my wife never says she’s sorry for much. So unsolicited I think this must be bad. Now I’m drying and no longer cool water running on me my chest is getting hot and my skin feels like it is suddenly too small for my body. I go look in the mirror and wonder why there are red splotches and sores on me. Oh I know I’ll put some aftershave lotion on it, silly me to forget that little detail. Now I want to pass out, just kill me now and I will be happy. Give up for night and wonder why I can’t sleep, pain does not ease.
Next day get up, have scabs on my chest and burns plus razor burn and patchy really short hair everywhere. Two days later it finally quit hurting now it just itches like hell as it is growing back in.
never let yourself go down the stupidity spasm spiral like I did.
